Monster movie ‘The Meg’ is billed as this summer’s blockbuster and we managed to see it at Dubai Mall’s Reel Cinema on the amazing new Screen X- a 270 degree screen. But does the plot match the technology?
Words by Will Rankin
Here are six reasons why you should grab your aqualung and hit the nearest cinema:
SHARKS, sharks and more sharks. Not only does this film feature the biggest shark-beast to ever grace the silver screen, but the titular abomination eats smaller sharks. For breakfast, literally. Sharks also try to eat The Meg’s cast pretty often, and we are even reminded of how bad it is to illegally poach them for soup. Whales feature quite a lot, too, but we’re all about the sharks. Shark bait, hoo haa!
UNDERWATER CRAFT. From ‘Captain Bubbles’ the submarine, to a perspex shark-viewing tube, The Meg shows off some cool underwater vehicles and tech – with none of that annoying sonar beeping. This is like an episode of ‘Thunderbirds’ come to life. Wait, there’s exploding helicopters, too. Sadly these ocean craft are like a smorgasbord for The Meg.
EXPLOSIONS. Keep a tight grip on your nachos, as there are enough underwater explosions, in-air explosions and bumps and bangs from our new favourite giant underwater monster to keep you jumping throughout the film.
CHEESE. There are more cheesy lines than in the queues at a cheddar factory. You could play The Meg bingo for the clichés, groaners and inappropriate Bond-style quips. Sample: Our hero, Jonas, (Jason Statham) lands on the back of a boat, just escaping the giant jaw of the Megadon. Before Jonas can even recover his breath, the ship’s doctor quips: “You might be a son of a ****, but you’re certainly not a coward.”
HEROES. Everyone’s a hero. No one has special powers (apart from Jonas, who can swim faster than a 23-metre long prehistoric beast) yet all of this very-carefully-chosen-for-ethnic-diversity-crew fight to be the hero. Look away for a moment, and one of the multiple main characters will be off doing something selfless. Everyone wants to save everyone, yet no one thinks to simply go home. Which is what we would do.
SMOULDERING. Oh, the smouldering. Statham’s stubble remains the exact same length throughout the timeline of the movie, just long enough to add to his rugged attitude. At every chance possible, he smoulders, grimaces or rubs his chin, appearing to be as deep in thought as someone who’s been killing their brain cells in Thailand for five years could possibly be. He’s a reluctant hero, who, despite five years of Thai hedonism following his last underwater dalliance with a deep-sea monster, retains an admirable six-pack and full knowledge of the latest developments in underwater transportation.
The Meg. PG13. Screenings at 4pm, 6.25pm, 8.50pm and 11.15pm, Reel Cinemas Dubai Mall. Book tickets from AED 68 at www.reelcinemas.ae