31 Christmas cracker jokes that are so bad they’re good

GRUMPY CAT CHRISTMAS

Apparently, the secret to great comedy is timing and a faultless delivery. The material itself is of very little consequence.

Sort of like ordering your Friday night take away then?

The ‘it’s the way you tell them’ theory is one stiffly relied upon by Christmas crackers. You know – those little coloured festive dining table decorations you pull between a pair of friends. There’s a disappointingly hushed bang, a disappointing toy/magic trick, a disappointing disintegrating hat and… of course the joke, which is almost universally disappointing too, but can be lifted into comedy gold if you nail the delivery. No pressure then. Best get practicing…
 

  • Did you know Kanye West used to be an Elf? Yep, true story, he was one of the most famous wrappers in the North Pole.  

 

  • Why did Santa Claus stop entering houses via the chimney?  He developed crippling Claustrophobia

 

  • What does Miley Cyrus eat for Christmas dinner? Roast twerkey

ryan one

  • What the Middle East’s most popular carol? O’ camel ye faithful! 

 

  • What do you call a snowman with a sixpack?  The abdominal snowman

 

  • How is the alphabet different on Christmas from every other day?  There’s Noel! NO L – get it? 

 

  • How did Scrooge win the boxing day football match?  The ghost of Christmas passed

 

  • People act like the North Pole and the South Pole are exactly the same, but really, there’s a whole world of difference between them.

 

  • Did you know the elves that make Star Wars figures get a company car to drive to the workshop? It’s a toy-yoda

 Bill murray

  • What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish  

 

  •  What’s a sheep’s favorite Christmas song? “Fleece Navidad”

 

  • What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery? Welfy
  • What would you get if you crossed Santa Claus with a detective? Santa Clues  

 

  • Which one of Santa’s reindeer is the most obnoxious? RUDE-olph of course

 

  • And why to Rudolph and Dancer drink the most coffee before the big night? They’re Santa’s Star Bucks

ryan 2

  • What did one snowman say to the other? “Can you smell carrots?” 

 

  • Why does Santa go down chimneys? Because it soots him 

 

  • What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes  

 

  • What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? Horn-aments  

 Britney

  • Why are Christmas trees so bad at sowing? They always drop needles  

 

  • Did Santa teach the elves how to do their job? No, they were elf-taught 

 

  • What did Santa ask Rudolph about the weather? “Is it going to rain dear?” 

 

 

  • How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle  

Justin 

  • Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A mince spy  

 

  • How does Christmas day end with? A ‘y’  

 

  • What do skunks sing on Christmas? Jingle smells  

 

  • Who is Santa’s favourite singer? Elf-is Presley  

 

  • What do you say to Santa when he’s taking attendance? Present! 

 

  • Why does Santa have a clock in his sleigh? Because time flies when you’re having fun 

 Simon

  • How do you know Santa is good at jiu-jitsu? Because he’s got a black belt  

 

  • Where does Santa stay when on holiday? hoho-hotel 

 

  • How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house  

 

Got a festive joke that’s too good to keep to yourself? Tell us on Twitter or Facebook and we’ll share the best ones. 

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