Did you know there’s a “right” way to argue with your partner? And that the secret lies in avoiding just two little words? Couple therapists and relationship experts have weighed in, shattering our sitcom dreams but brightening real-life love stories. Ready to find out what never to say—unless you want your squabble to become the season finale of your relationship?
Why Arguments Aren’t Always the Big Bad Wolf
Love isn’t all hearts, flowers, and Instagrammable brunches. Over time, those first buttery days inevitably give way to responsibilities, commitments… and yes, arguments. It doesn’t sound as dreamy, sure, but along with the Instagram highlights come the not-so-idyllic bits no one shows in romantic comedies. Still, these dimensions—including good old-fashioned disputes—are necessary for a couple to function well. That’s right: even a little bickering can be healthy!
Many of us do our damndest to dodge conflict like it’s an ex at a mutual friend’s party. Why? We live under the tyranny of relentless positivity: we’re afraid of conflict, or worse, of stirring up arguments that could spark a breakup. It doesn’t help that disputes get villainized, tied up with so-called “negative” (or more accurately, “unpleasant”) emotions. But experts argue that fights, when handled correctly, are good for the couple as a whole.
Disputes show that both people feel safe enough to express their opinions—even when they clash. It means you have the courage to confront disagreements and stand by your views face to face. In short, a healthy disagreement is a sign of strong communication. But—and here’s the kicker—only if you fight well. When you fight badly, it can quietly wear away at your relationship, sometimes for good.
Public Enemy No. 1: The Two Words
Let’s cut to the chase: the two words you should avoid like week-old leftovers are “always” and “never.” These terms, especially in the heat of an argument, are hopelessly unhelpful. Why? Because they’re definitive, irreversible, and blow up any issue into a cartoonish battle where your partner gets cast as the villain. Phrases like “You’re always negative,” or “You never pay attention to me” may be emotional shockwaves, but, spoiler alert, they rarely get the positive change you want.
Instead of opening up a constructive exchange, these words often cause the other person to shut down or get defensive—they’re too busy wanting to “prove you wrong” to enter any productive discussion. What began as a potentially helpful chat devolves into an ego wrestling match. As sex therapist and psychologist Marjorie Cambier puts it, the goal shifts from improving the relationship to simply “being right” and forcing your worldview onto your partner.
Bonus disqualification: If your “always” or “never” is delivered alongside a pointed “You,” it gets even more accusatory. Now, instead of just sharing how you feel, you’re pointing fingers and assigning blame. That’s enough to make anyone bristle.
Winning at Arguments: Advice From the Experts
So what’s a lover-in-arms to do? Tara Griffith, a couples therapist whose advice has made its way to readers of The Huffington Post, says steer clear of the “You always…” trap and reach for “I.” It sounds basic, but try this on: “I felt hurt and neglected yesterday when you didn’t tidy up before our guests arrived, as I asked. Next time, I’d really appreciate your help.” See? No daggers, just honesty. Griffith’s example keeps the conversation about your feelings and requests, not accusations.
Therapists and relationship experts alike unanimously suggest swapping out absolute, heavy-handed words like “always” and “never” for a little nuance. Throw caution (and those words) to the wind and reach for more measured phrases. What does that look like?
- Say “sometimes” instead of “always.”
- Try “often,” “rarely,” or “a little” instead of “never.”
- Use adverbs that frame the frequency of the issue without making your partner a cartoon baddie.
Cosmopolitan (yes, our love language is consulting reputable sources) even offers a cheat sheet: use those adverbs to clarify how often the behavior really happens. Your criticism gets through—sans judgment—and the air stays breathable for both sides.
Conclusion: Make Arguments Work for You (Not Against You)
Let’s face it: the early days don’t last forever—and pretending otherwise would be about as authentic as reality TV. Arguments, along with all the unglamorous bits of real-world love, are part of the package for a healthy relationship. What matters isn’t whether you argue, but how you do it.
The next time you’re on the brink of a spat, remember: toss out “always” and “never.” Invite nuance, lead with “I,” and keep your words as balanced as your love life aspires to be. Your couple will thank you—and who knows, those awkward moments might just bring you closer in the end.
