Monday, May 27, 2024

7 Strategies to Communicate with a Defensive Person Without Losing Your Patience | Life


With our partner, family, co-workers and even in public, each party must admit their fault in order to end them in a healthy way and resolve them with the other party. Conflict.

But when you get into an argument with a defensive person, you find yourself freed from justifying him and dismissing the argument that might make him wrong. and ends the conflict.

In dealing with people who exhibit defensive behaviors, it will help to understand the defensive style and the reasons behind it, and how to deal with a defensive person during conflicts.

Threat response

SAIC central website identifiesPsych CentralA defensive style is aggressive behavior that a person uses when they feel unsafe, attacked, or threatened.

Defensiveness can take many forms, including making excuses, trying to blame others, verbal attack, denial, outright lying, avoiding discussion and confrontation, or claiming that there is something wrong with the other person.

Researcher Lydia Woodyatt from Flinders University in Australia said: study Published in 2020, “One of the primary psychological needs of human beings is to relate to and be appreciated by those around them, so when a person makes a mistake, this basic psychological need threatens him and pushes him to use a defensive system.”

Try to feel strong

People use defensiveness as a way to relieve pressure on themselves when they make a mistake, to avoid conflict, or to feel more powerful.

  • A feeling of insecurity or fear, for example, from being bullied as a child.
  • Early childhood trauma or abuse.
  • Shame or guilt. If someone else brings up a topic you feel guilty about, you may respond defensively.
  • Something is trying to hide the truth.
  • Being attacked for your personality or behavior and feeling like you have to justify the actions you took or some aspect of your personality.
  • A defensive style may be a learned behavior from a parent or spouse as a way of communicating with others.
  • Even if the situation is not threatening, excessive anxiety can lead people to become defensive.
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Bargaining is a great way to deal with a defensive person (Shutterstock).

How to communicate with a defensive person

We cannot always avoid conflict, so you should know effective ways and tactics to deal with defensive people, and these are some of the methods:

Develop your self-awareness

Self-awareness is an aspect of emotional intelligence, which is the ability to understand, organize, and use your emotions positively to communicate with others, and to effectively defuse tension and defuse conflict during conflict. To avoid this, understanding yourself will help you regulate your feelings, be aware of your reactions, stay calm, look at things objectively and eliminate misunderstandings.

Stick to the facts

Be specific about what happened and what upset you, using specific words and sequences of events, such as “I said this, then I said,” and don’t mention other events.

If the other party tries to raise another issue, you can reply, “We’ll come back to discuss this, but right now we’re talking about something specific.”

Express with “I”.

One of the most effective ways to communicate with a defensive person, and to communicate in general, is to express yourself using “I,” such as “I’m disappointed” or “I felt you misunderstood me.”

Using “I” makes your words about your personal experience and feelings, not about the other person’s fault, and tries to hold them accountable, preventing their reaction from attacking themselves.

Always making excuses.. How to talk to a defensive person who is always on the defensive? A defense mechanism when feeling threatened.. 7 Effective Ways to Calmly Communicate with a Defensive Person When Some People Are Always on the Defensive
Don’t get caught up in a defensive person’s anger and keep your voice even and calm (Shutterstock)

be quiet

Don’t get caught up in the defensive person’s anger and keep your voice even and calm.

While it’s hard to stay calm when we feel unfairly attacked, responding to the defensive person’s anger with more anger will only increase the anger, and your anger will reinforce their claim that you’re responsible for what’s happening.

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Repeat yourself

When the defensive person moves on to other topics, ignore it and repeat the same words you started in a calm, gentle, low voice, “I was sorry when you said that, and I wish you would have done something else.” If he changes the subject or blames you. If so, repeat your words “I was sorry when I said that…”

Don’t defend yourself against their accusations no matter how you feel, ignore them for now and focus on the underlying conversation and what you are trying to convey.

Always making excuses.. How to talk to a defensive person who is always on the defensive? A defense mechanism when feeling threatened.. 7 Effective Ways to Calmly Communicate with a Defensive Person When Some People Are Always on the Defensive
Don’t defend yourself against a defensive person’s accusations, no matter how you feel (Shutterstock)


Negotiation is a great way to deal with a defensive person, and because resolving the conflict is more important than getting what you want, negotiation is the best approach.

But remember that bargaining is used in a limited way, and always resorting to it reveals giving up your needs in order to end the conflict and meet the other’s needs, thus empowering the other party to keep pushing you. Towards reconciliation.

away from

Avoiding conflict isn’t always healthy, but sometimes it’s necessary when there’s a disagreement and the other party gets irritated, defensive, and makes excuses when you’re overwhelmed with emotions. Temporarily stay away.

You can bring the subject back up once both parties are calm and open to confronting the disagreement logically.

Nadia Barnett
Nadia Barnett
"Award-winning beer geek. Extreme coffeeaholic. Introvert. Avid travel specialist. Hipster-friendly communicator."

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